TAKE OUR RINOS. (PLEASE.)

Recent presidential political caucuses have really raised the stakes for Wyoming’s RINOs. Confused, agitated and scared all at the same time, they aren’t sure what to do with themselves. Perhaps they need a hint.

But first, what is a RINO? Why, that is a “Republican In Name Only,” a peculiar subspecies of democraticus liberalus that strangely prefers to associate with the more robust republicanus conservatus. Political scientists have studied these puzzling creatures for years, but no one has come up with a definitive theory of why they evolved into such efficient political opportunists. Though, their persistence throughout the modern era is thought to be the product of their capacity for camouflage, extreme resistance to ideological commitment, instinctive opportunism, and a total absence of loyalty to their PACs.

Like prairie dogs, RINOs are found in higher per-capita numbers throughout Wyoming than in perhaps any other state, in contrast to DINOs (“Democrats In Name Only”) which are thought to be extinct. But RINO numbers have continued to multiply. In fact, Wyoming is a veritable Jurassic Park of RINOs, as the republicanus gene pool continues to be diluted by invasions of herbivorous RINOs that have destroyed their own habitats in once-hospitable climes like Colorado and California.

The Wyoming Republican caucuses in January made RINOs feel good and secure. Many counties reported 4 times more participants than normal, giving RINOs an extra degree of cover in which to feed and reproduce while giving nothing in return.

But political climates warm and cool in cyclical fashion, sometimes with cataclysmic speed. The Wyoming Democratic caucuses earlier this month were a perfect example of this phenomenon, with turnouts in some counties of 10 or even 20 times above normal. There were long lines, mass registrations and genuine excitement. Many Wyoming Democrats are beginning to believe that this is their year to take over the majority and every political office that matters from D.C. to Kaycee. Wham! Straight to the top of the political food chain.

This is what RINOs crave above all else, but the unexpected intensity of the Democrat stampede has thrown most of them into a crisis: should they join in with it, or should they stick with their comparatively apathetic Republican hosts? Unaccustomed to making hard decisions and taking risks, most are stalling, waiting for a sure bet. To choose wrongly would mire them in a political tar pit. They would lose not only the safety of numbers, but the prestige of proximity to established power and their involvement with all the juiciest gossip.

Deprived of such easy pickings, our RINOs would be forced to compete with the independus moderatus population. Popularly known as “Independents” these solitary creatures do not trust either major party. Instead, they observe from afar, waiting to be drawn in by whichever candidates offer them the most goodies from the public treasury. (Which is a roundabout way of saying Independents usually vote Democrat.)

But RINOs have grown accustomed to being bought at a much higher price. They did not burrow into Wyoming’s longtime majority party to settle for such scraps. These varmints want a piece of the action, they know where to find it, and they’ll stop at nothing to get it. Thus, if you wish to see an infestation of political organisms ideally adapted to subsist on nothing but power and its most crass byproducts, look no further than the dominant political party in any locale. It’s just nature’s way.

Yet so is change, as Democrats continually remind us. This obvious truth, pressed with such intensity, was apparently enough to drive a few of the more skittish RINOs to break cover in recent weeks (even though a President McCain might prove to be one of them.) So they attended a Clinton scratch n’ sniff here, an Obama fluff n’ faint there, assisted with the Democratic caucuses, and a few even changed their party affiliations.

Democrats are delighted by such defections from the Republican fold, but conservatives are more delighted still. For a Republican Party without RINOs would no longer be crippled by internal division, moles, sabotage and a shortage of funds. Republicans could actually elect a governor more often than not. Republican legislators could vote as a bloc like the Democrats can, and as conservatives, like the majority of their constituents expect.

Yes, if RINOs finally flee the Republican Party this time around, Wyoming could actually develop a true two-party system to replace the incestuous ruling class it has historically endured. This would give the voters a substantive choice at the polls, rather than an echo. Instead of having to vote for “the person rather than the party” Wyomingites could vote for principles over both.

So RINOs, here’s your hint: if Governor Freudenthal can do it, you can do it too. He was once a Republican, and look how your hero’s career blossomed after he switched. Wouldn’t you RINO legislators, bureaucrats, lobbyists, party hacks, worker bees and private citizens rather avoid the discomfort of always feeling indignant about your party’s primitive ways?

What are you waiting for? Go home to the Democratic Party now. It would be so easy. A caveman could do it.